Roy(al) Waste of Time

I went to watch Roy on 13^th Feb 2015 and by the time I was leaving the theatre I had a feeling that AAP & BJP would be re-campaigning for 2019 Delhi elections. I missed out witnessing so many events in life: several Dharnas by AK, few more statues that got approved by the government.

The movie tries very hard to appear intelligent but even people with IQ scores of less than 23 on Facebook Quiz would have found this offensive. It challenges every aspect of cinematic brilliance- script that spans over 3 lines can be converted into a 2 hour 45 min movie, foreign beaches if picturized in useless scenes can be worse than watching Mithi River flow near Kalina.

Cut to a scene in the movie-

Jacqueline aka Aisha Mir is shown an art movie director. Arjun Rampal aka Vikram Garewal, a commercial Bollywood director. They meet each other in a Malaysian hotel where Vikram who is a bad boy of Bollywood for dating 22 different models falls for Aisha who is the good girl of art cinema. The love-lust relationship between both of them is narrated in such an unexciting manner that you would rather prefer to watch NGC for the frog mating episode.

Oh wait! Where does Ranbir fit into all this? Here’s the suspense for you- he is the hero of the movie which Vikram Garewal is directing and he finds another Jacqueline (note-not Aisha Mir) to act with him.

How does the above para sound so far? Even I was equally clueless and dumb struck as you must be after reading it. It takes less than imagination to convert this into a movie scene. If Leonardo was to describe this scene after watching Roy, he would put it as- ‘a nightmare inside a nightmare inside a nightmare for the audience’.

Let’s not even get into the 2^nd half of the movie. Second half raises the boredom bar by another few levels. The only reason I think Ranbir would have taken up this movie is to give a strong message to the audience: ‘Even I can compete with the likes of Shahrukh (read: Happy New Year), Salman (read: Kick) and feature in movies whose script was prepared by writer/ directors in their Loo breaks’.

I think the movie director of Roy would have read ‘Mein Kampf’ and thought to himself ‘so what if I am not born during the time of Nazis; I can still make lives hell through innovative torture techniques’.  If you are someone who found AIB Roast offensive and have thought of filing an FIR; make it 3- one for the director of Roy and second for the critics who would have still rated this movie well.

Towards the end of the movie; you will need to question your brain cells- ‘Tu hai ki nahi? Tu hai ki nahi?’

In another news- India beats Pakistan again; this time on the number of screens people broke after watching India-Pak match in Pakistan and movie screens after watching Roy in India.

Ga-Ga over 100 Crores Movie Club

Talking about being a movie buff, there are communities on Facebook that keep me updated about films crossing the 100 crore mark. Last year the industry went a step further and dedicated an award to producers achieving this feat.

I am not excellent at tracking numbers so I don’t know how many movies achieved the 100 crore mark year on year but audience have now started to define a HIT by sheer number it achieves irrespective of presence or absence of vital ingredients such as story, plot, and sensibility in the name of entertainment.

I mean look back at the kind of movies that have crossed the 100 crore mark; don’t you feel sorry for yourself for being a contributor to their success-

• Bodyguard
• Housefull 2
• Bol Bachchan
• Ek Tha Tiger
• Son of Sardar
•  Aashiqui 2

(Not including the complete list as this might bring depression in some of us) 

Being one of the worst students in Math, I could only come up this simple formula:

Megastar + Crap + More Crap + Cars flying + Bikes becoming boat + Good looking trailers = 100 crores

I believe 100 crore is not a very good benchmark to look forward to for several reasons. Firstly cos it is a trap to lure passive watchers into believing that the movie would be good cos others have watched it before them and have liked it.

Look at it from a practical conversation viewpoint:

Friend 1- Hey, did you watch Dhoom 3?

Friend 2- Not yet. How is it?

Friend 1- Not as good as the previous 2 Dhoom installments, one time watch.

‘One time watch’ is the stress word here. Such encouragement contributes to this 100 crore business. Like they say word-of-mouth works amazingly well for movies; this phrase ‘one time watch’ spoils the evenings and nights of millions every week.

Are we so star-struck that we are sometimes scared to admit about a particular movie being absolutely horrible? You don’t answer a rhetorical question.

I was one of the unfortunate ones to catch Dhoom 3 on day 1. Not a single scene in the entire ‘3 hours dragged for no reason’ movie gave me that Dhoom (adrenaline) rush. Instead, it boiled my blood to think what was in the minds of YRF and the director while they were making this movie; surely they would have worked on a similar equation explained above. Aamir didn’t fail to leave the perfectionist image. His role and scenes were perfect nonsense throughout.

Industry trend has clearly been to produce movies that can serve the two-fold objectives over the first week of release-

• Achieve 100 crores or more
• Spoil the weekend for audiences

While we keep earning the same kind of money year on year, these production houses and directors come up with such crap and earn in billions. Time to change profession or stop watching such movies?

The Many Feelings with Sachin Tendulkar & Rahul Dravid

On a bright sunny day or a pleasant afternoon or an illuminated evening when we get this proud feeling to see the best country representatives in action; when a sizeable part of India has just these two words in mind- SACHIN! DRAVID! 

An action packed season, emotions flowing in the air, a plentiful of nail biting and jaw dropping moments, butterflies in stomach, a feeling that something good is about to occur; just few of the equivalences that we have lived with over a past two decades. I think it would be the very first time in the history of any sport that two sportsperson will a leave a lull in a sport they represented on their retirement. This lull will not only be in Cricket but in the lives of each and every fan.

2012 could have been the best year of my life as I met the love of my life. But there was more than one news that horrified the entire country and I was one of the major victims. First half of the year saw The Wall breaking fortifications of our emotions by declaring his retirement from Test Cricket. And then came 23^rd December when Sachin decided to shed Blue. A question arised in minds of 75 crore Indians- ‘Why are you doing this to us?’

2012 just wasn’t end of an era; it was like being asked to part away from family. A part in me switched off forever. I mean watching you two play; it was definitely more than Cricket you brought to our lives. It was a feeling that heroes do exist in real life; that the game should always be played like a gentlemen; that we will have a reason to cheer irrespective of where we are and what we are doing; that humility is still one of the most powerful quality to possess; that aggression is best expressed with doing your duty right; that a craft can be perfected to an extent that only your limits can define.

Sachin, just like you, it wasn’t just about records for us as well. It was like getting a good appraisal at work or scoring high in a competitive exam when you hit a century. It is unbelievable that you bring a sense of achievement in crores by standing tall at the crease and scoring flawlessly. As you would know, at times, many of us (though fundamentally wrong) didn’t care about the team victory but were happier when you hit 100 or a 50.

Dravid, you have always put your game ahead of anything. Be it in your capacity as a captain of Indian Cricket team, as a wicket-keeper, as a captain of Rajasthan Royal and more so as a player who served the country for 16 good years. The best moment for me was when you scored 10000 runs in ODI cricket and I was slyly being happy about to how the critics who had rated you as a Test Champion would be reprehensible of their words.

They say these are the best times to live in this world. I agree with them at least when it comes to watching Sachin & Rahul play. It is sad that kids in future won’t have that privilege; they will not get to experience that intensity. Yes, it was the best time to live indeed.

Here goes to our greats SACHIN & DRAVID-

Live that colour- One Last Time

Live that charisma- One Last Time

Live that rush- One Last Time

Live that aggression- One Last Time

Live Sachin & Dravid in BLUE for One Last Time

Lootera: Audience ko Loot liya

I fail to understand how people are going ga-ga over Lootera. First of all, the absolute let down aka Sonakshi Sinha is chosen as the lead. I wonder what was in director’s head when he made this choice. I have even heard from my confidential sources that she was being considered for the role of Ranveer Singh earlier. She could have easily bagged a role in any Ram Gopal Verma’s horror flick without the need for any special effects. 

Now, there is one set of people who oppose this thought saying- ‘You don’t have a taste for slow movies. Look at the cinematography in the movie, its outstanding!’ I believe all those critics (who had the guts to give this Sonak-shit starrer 4 stars) also are of the same view. 

Guys, slow is not always bad. But this slow is really not worth it. I happen to grab a box of popcorn during the interval; thought of killing some time while watching this so called period saga. (This movie interval reminded me of school days when I used to desperately wait for the boring Geometry class to get over before the lunch break).  And it was time for the second half of the movie. The extra large popcorn box was empty by the time Sonakshi did her bit of crying.

This is a story from 1950. I am absolutely definite that the same story has been shown in more than 50 movies since then. The question is- why are we encouraging the film fraternity to come up with such movies by calling it a hit? 

A better marketing strategy for Lootera would have been charging the audience for watching the trailer rather than charging them for the movie ticket. The trailer anyways unveiled the entire story in just 1 minute.

Oh yes, they charged the audience for cinematography!